Alia Zarar Khan
We don’t react the same to everyone—and that says more about us than them
We often explain our behavior with familiar phrases such as “This is who I am” or “This is what I’m all about.” These statements are usually offered in moments of frustration or
anger, as if our reactions are fixed traits rather than choices. Yet, when we observe ourselves honestly, a contradiction emerges: we do not behave the same way with everyone.
With certain people, we lose patience easily. We raise our voice, become defensive, or allow our anger to spill over. This happens not necessarily because those people permit it,
but because the emotional or social cost feels low. With others we respect, fear, depend on, or perceive as powerful—we somehow find the ability to remain composed, even when we are treated unfairly.
If anger were truly “just who we are,” it would appear consistently. The fact that it does not suggest that our reactions are not permanent personality traits, but responses shaped by
context, power dynamics, and emotional awareness. We control ourselves when
consequences feel real, and we struggle when they do not.
Often, anger is less about the person in front of us and more about where we feel safe releasing unprocessed emotions. We may suppress our feelings in one setting and discharge them in another. This does not make us inherently flawed, but it does highlight areas where growth is needed.
This realization invites a deeper question: who are we choosing to be when no one is watching, and when nothing appears to be at stake? Emotional maturity begins when we stop allowing circumstances or people to dictate the quality of our response. It is the ability to act from our values rather than from impulse—from calm energy rather than anger regardless of who the other person is.Mastering this skill is neither instant nor easy, but it is possible.
Therapeutic approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy, anger management
counseling, and emotion-focused therapy can help individuals recognize triggers,
challenge automatic reactions, and develop healthier response patterns. Therapy provides a structured space to understand why certain interactions provoke stronger reactions and how to respond differently.Outside of therapy, small and consistent practices make a meaningful difference. Pausing
before responding even briefly can interrupt reactive behavior. Naming the emotion instead of acting on it reduces its intensity. Observing patterns helps identify whom we react to. We don’t react the same to everyone—and that says more about us than them We often explain our behavior with familiar phrases such as “This is who I am” or “This is
what I’m all about.” These statements are usually offered in moments of frustration or anger, as if our reactions are fixed traits rather than choices. Yet, when we observe ourselves honestly, a contradiction emerges: we do not behave the same way with everyone.
With certain people, we lose patience easily. We raise our voice, become defensive, or allow our anger to spill over. This happens not necessarily because those people permit it,
but because the emotional or social cost feels low. With others we respect, fear, depend on, or perceive as powerful—we somehow find the ability to remain composed, even when we are treated unfairly.If anger were truly “just who we are,” it would appear consistently. The fact that it does not suggests that our reactions are not permanent personality traits, but responses shaped by context, power dynamics, and emotional awareness. We control ourselves when consequences feel real, and we struggle when they do not.
Often, anger is less about the person in front of us and more about where we feel safe releasing unprocessed emotions. We may suppress our feelings in one setting and discharge them in another. This does not make us inherently flawed, but it does highlight areas where growth is needed.This realization invites a deeper question: who are we choosing to be when no one is watching, and when nothing appears to be at stake? Emotional maturity begins when we stop allowing circumstances or people to dictate the quality of our response. It is the ability to act from our values rather than from impulse—from calm energy rather than anger regardless of who the other person is.Mastering this skill is neither instant nor easy, but it is possible.Therapeutic approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy, anger management counseling, and emotion-focused therapy can help individuals recognize triggers, challenge automatic reactions, and develop healthier response patterns. Therapy provides
a structured space to understand why certain interactions provoke stronger reactions and how to respond differently.Outside of therapy, small and consistent practices make a meaningful difference. Pausing before responding even briefly can interrupt reactive behavior. Naming the emotion instead of acting on it reduces its intensity. Observing patterns helps identify whom we reactthe most and why. Most importantly, practicing consistency responding in a way that aligns with our values rather than the situation builds emotional integrity.
The goal is not to suppress anger or deny emotion. Feeling anger is human. Acting from anger is a choice. When we learn to separate the two, we gain clarity, stronger boundaries, and self-respect.
In the end, who we are is not revealed by how we behave when it is easy, but by how we choose to respond when it is difficult. That choice, repeated over time, becomes character.I do not write this as someone who has mastered emotional control. I am still learning, still becoming aware of my reactions as they happen. What has changed, however, is self-awareness. That awareness has shown me that my anger is not uncontrollable, and that my
responses are more intentional than I once believed.
Alia Zarar Khan Advocate . The writer is a Saudi Arabia based entrepreneur.